Ma mélange, un Aide-mémoire.

Have you ever felt a wave of inexplicable sadness flows over your heart for days? I’m sure you have. Have you ever wanted something so bad that you can’t help wishing for it every time? Yeah, I’m sure you guys have. And have you ever desperately waited for a text from someone that you keep on checking your phone in like, every minutes or so? Well, we all have.

What I believe you guys haven’t, is simply the impact of it to your mood swings. Frankly, I’m an oversensitive plus an inevitably insecure person. This combination makes me easilly irritated and worried over silly things! This makes me always overthink everything. “What if it is an ‘a’? Or what if it is a ‘b’? What am I supposed to do if it was ‘c’ instead?” Those thoughts rummage all their way on my mind most of the time. And this, as well, affects my mood swings so much. It doesn’t make me angry or something… It rather makes me sad and suddenly burst into tears for no particular reason (sometimes).

Well, I’m not used to ignorance, I’ve told you times before. When a person ignores me for nothing all of a sudden, I’m kinda, well, freaked out. Moreover, when I pour out everything that I have for him; when I love him. When he does, I’m all screwed up. I’m such a mess! Like, I can instantly cry after a long laughter with my families. Hhh, he’s so much affecting my mood swings.

So let’s say that I’m fairly, irrevocably in love with this particular person. For these few days, it happens A LOT. You know when I say A LOT, it really is frequent, like in every ticking second. I keep on checking my phone over and over again, and when I see the notification light is blinking green, with jolts on my heart I grab my phone… just to see a message from another person. Whilst the one I’m always waiting for was somewhere out there, away from where I am, not keeping up with me. And it usually impacts my feeling; people surrounds me asks me what’s the matter with my face after looking up from my phone with a great, heavy sigh.

“Your smile disappears and your sad eyes overflowed with disappointment. What’s the matter?”

I just throw a brief smile and put my phone away from my reach, upside down, with a tiny hope when I reach for it later, there comes a message I’ve been waiting for all day. And this, always succeeds to make me overthink, overanalyze everything.

“What if he gets bored talking with me? What if I did something that accidentally pissed him off? What if he finally learns that he doesn’t want me at all? What if he finally decides to storm away and leave me out here?”

Yeah, those thoughts prevail me. Feel free to fed up or judge me exaggerating things. But that’s true, that’s what I really feel, due to my oversensitive feeling. And once one of those thoughts pop, I’m worried like hell! I panicked and it resulted in a bad moodswing and countless tears (yeah, now I’m literally exaggerating it :p). Whereas, maybe he’s just like that; the ignorant type of person who feels no necessity to reply any message without questions. Maybe he’s busy at the moment. Maybe he’s waiting as well for my message, while it isn’t delivered to his phone. Maybe he decides to reply my message later once he’s free, but happens to forget replying it. Or maybe.. he just doesn’t feel like replying it at all (okay, I’m done with ‘maybe’s, too much probabilities will kill you).

I can’t imagine whether his perception of me will shift better or downgrade instead if he eventually knows about this.

So what I really want to share is that… I really do want to change. I’ll just have to find a way to set myself free from these unnecessary prejudices. I’ll just have to convince myself that every form of overthinking, overanalyzing ruins everything.

Being with him makes me extremely happy and upset as well. I wish it’s a good thing for me to love him. I can find a thousand reasons (from reasonable ones to irrational, made-up ones) to soothe myself down when he doesn’t text or reply any that I’ve sent, or behaving peculiarly bizarre. I love him, and I won’t ever, EVER forgive myself if I do something, intentionally or not, that puts him away from my life.

And despite the urge of being aggresive and protective, I just have to be a good little girl who sits around, smiles, and patiently waits for anything that my destiny comes with.